Of all things discussed on Mama Fearless, this is the tenderest of subjects. This is that sore spot where broken hearts ache. Out of respect and honor for all of the beautiful women still waiting, this is written with the utmost love, support, and compassion: Infertility, healing & self-image.
Childbirth is one of the most common miracles, occurring between 200-300 times per minute. Those births are preceded with pregnancies. Those pregnancies are introduced (in most cases) by a positive pregnancy test or confirmation of some kind.
It’s common. It’s a minute-by-minute occurrence.
Yet it’s a far-away dream for some.
Millions of women suffer from infertility or conception difficulties in some form. That sounds moderately common, too–unless you’re one of these women. Then it’s not a commonality. It’s heartbreak.
I can understand, in my own small way, what it’s like to be disappointed, month by month, how it feels to pursue an answer and come away in confusion from each appointment. I can understand what it’s like getting those answers, that diagnosis, that seems to label you with a new identity.
They’ve found something. I can’t get pregnant.
It’s easy to look at yourself differently. After all, your body is not doing what it’s designed to do, right?
So you fight.
You struggle to find a different identity. There must be something I can do, something that proves I’m not a defective human being. You try, but there’s never really an escape from the fact that you’re a woman, women have babies, and you’re not having a baby.
It’s so easy to become resigned. It feels like the easier route is to shrug, wear the new label, and carry on. Take the new prescription from the doctor. Don’t get your hopes up. Keep trying. Focus on the next opportunity. Get through the next disappointment.
It’s easy to become resigned, hopeless, resentful, even bitter. Especially when there are no true answers.
It’s all too easy to change.
The worst thing I could ever do is to try and pretend I have all the answers. There is no possible way I can explain the “why’s” and the “why-not’s”. I wouldn’t tread there. Its far too painful and every journey is it’s own. I understand how that feels, in my own small way.
What I can do is encourage you to hold on. You are not defective. You’re not less of a human being or less of a woman because you haven’t become pregnant. You are just as precious in God’s eyes as every and all women.
As Christians, it’s easy to start scrutinizing your life and wondering where you went wrong to deserve this “punishment”. It’s easy to try and “get God’s attention” by good works. I understand. I was guilty of doing the same, and felt that if I could do enough for the kingdom of God, He’d see me and give me the desires of my heart.
But that’s not how God views us.
We can’t earn His good graces. Again, I don’t have all the answers. I just want to encourage you to continue fighting. Keep pressing on. Don’t give up. Don’t let go of your self-image.
You are a beautiful woman, fearfully and wonderfully made. God’s love doesn’t vanish if we make mistakes, and it can’t be improved by our own deeds. His love is constant and unchanging.
Try and see yourself the way God sees you, as worthy of His love and sacrifice. Hold on to the fact that you are strong, that you have something to give. You have you. You have all the amazing qualities that make you wonderful now.
God is a Healer.
He is still Jehovah-Rapha. No, that doesn’t mean everyone is healed. I don’t have the answer to that, either. But I still have faith in a healing God.
I couldn’t get pregnant and God answered my prayer and gave me a child. I struggle with a severe form of Rosacea that is a constant, daily fight. I’ve prayed, fasted, been prayed for, treated, and I am still waiting for healing. While my complexion has its ups and downs, I have yet to see it resolved. Why am I still battling it? I don’t know. But that doesn’t mean God isn’t a Healer. I will always have hope.
I understand what it’s like to battle self-image. But through this fight, I’ve learned that what troubles me doesn’t have to define me. I don’t have to be perfect to feel acceptable. While others may be harsh or may not understand, this resolve has settled something in my spirit that has allowed me to feel like I have worth, beauty and purpose in spite of the circumstances.
There are days when my complexion is acceptable. There are days when my face is a mess. I’ve had people off the street approach me (many times), I’ve had others back away, afraid that I was contagious. While I wasn’t very open about my pregnancy struggles, I still had people who knew me offer ideas and solutions and try to be a help, only making my struggle more real to me.
Finding the strength to feel whole and content came only through prayer. No one could fix it for me. Many things were/are out of my control. I do my best and work hard to do my part. It doesn’t fix it. It keeps me in a state of working, in a state of hope, and that is important to me.
I’ve finally come to the place where I’m okay with myself.
Having this extremely visible problem doesn’t change the fact that I am a person with character, passion and purpose. It doesn’t take away my value. If anything, it makes me stronger.
While it doesn’t cure the disappointment, this sort of fight can strengthen you. It will help you in the day to day struggle. You can find a place of peace while you wait for your miracle. You can still have faith.
It is my prayer that you will see the desires of your heart. You have my support, my prayers and my respect. You fight a daily battle that many will never understand. In your own personal way, you are a gentle warrior. Keep up the fight. Hold on to faith.
Never let go of who you are. You don’t ever have to wear a different label. You are beautiful, you are incredible.
Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.
Thank you for reading Infertility, Healing & Self-Image. I hope you feel encouraged. You have the support and prayers of MamaFearless. If you’d like to read about our pregnancy miracle, click here.